Ole Red’s Holiday Survival Guide

Ole Red Holiday Survival Guide

We love the holiday season, but sometimes it gets the best of us. We’re back this year to help you survive — and thrive — during the most wonderful time of the year with these tips.

  1. Cut Grandma off after that second glass of eggnog. We all know what happened last year. It takes a lot of rouge to cover that hoof-print.

2. If you’re tired of Uncle Bill retelling the same joke, drown out the noise with this holiday playlist curated by your friends at Ole Red. What’s that, Uncle Bill? Oh, you went to a fight once and a hockey game broke out? Hey, let’s listen to “Feliz Navidad” again.

3. Never underestimate a sprig of rosemary when garnishing your cocktail. Blake Shelton used one at a party once. To this day, people still confuse him with Martha Stewart.

4. Make sure you’re wearing more than just boxers when deep-frying the turkey.

5. Maybe don’t snack on the popcorn garland. Side note: Whoever thought it was a good idea to thread popcorn with a needle clearly doesn’t value fingers.

6. When your mom forces you to wear that itchy sweater your great aunt knitted for you, practice gratitude by telling yourself the itch makes you feel alive.

7. If you forget to get someone a present, tell them that you’re taking them to Ole Red for a drink. Then make good on your promise. Santa’s watching, and it really is the best gift of all.

8. Print out directions to the nearest KOA and have them on the ready for when your cousin comes knocking on your door and asks to park his RV on your lawn.

9. Put up blackout curtains in the kids’ bedrooms. No 5 a.m. Christmas wakeup call. You’re welcome.

10. Be good — but not too good. Don’t sacrifice fun for the sake of the nice list.

11. If you put it on a plate, it’s homemade.

12. Whoever says Diehard isn’t a Christmas movie doesn’t deserve to be your friend anyway.

13. To beat the mall traffic, don’t go to the mall.

14. When that string of lights burns out on the porch, don’t worry about it. Just call it avant-garde — like that banana taped to a wall that someone decided to call art and someone else decided to buy for $120,000.

15. Whatever you do, don’t eat the yellow snow.

*Article updated December 14, 2020. Originally published December, 20, 2019. 

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